I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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