I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
