This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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