i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
