Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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