He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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