I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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