I got chris browned last night
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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