her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
