he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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