I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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