What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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