we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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