Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
