Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
