So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Randomize
