I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
