why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
