I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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