based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
