I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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