I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
