I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
