Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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