you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
