I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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