I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
