She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
