I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
