he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
