tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
