I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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