Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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