My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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