omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
