I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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