so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
