Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
