Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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