Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
