Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
