the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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