clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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