I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
