I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
