Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
