How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
