my phone needs a breathalizer
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
