i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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