You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
