The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
