I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
