He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
