boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
