ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
