i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
