Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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