new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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